When my firstborn was three weeks old, I was doing every single night feed. Every wake-up. Every diaper. My husband slept through all of it because “you’re breastfeeding so there’s nothing I can do.”

Fascinating logic. Truly compelling. Except for the part where I was slowly becoming a rage-filled zombie with a deteriorating grip on reality.

A friend told me her husband said the same thing. Her response: “You have hands. You can burp. You can change. You can hold. You can do the entire routine except the actual feeding part, which takes ten minutes. So what exactly is ‘nothing’?”

He started night shifts that week.

The Martyr Trap

Here’s the trap many of us fall into: we take on all the night work because it seems easier than explaining what to do, listening to our baby cry with someone less experienced, or dealing with our partner’s complaints about being tired tomorrow.

So we do it all. And we resent it. And the resentment builds until we snap over something minor like someone putting a fork in the wrong drawer, and suddenly we’re having a Conversation About Our Marriage when really the problem is that you haven’t slept more than three consecutive hours in seven weeks.

Sleep deprivation breaks people. It is used as actual torture. You are not weak for struggling with it. You are not a better mother for suffering through it alone. You are just tired and you need relief.

How We Split It

We set specific alarm-based feeds (feeds at scheduled times that YOU choose, rather than waiting for the baby to wake up and cry, demanding one). My husband took the 10:30 p.m. dream feed (bottle of pumped milk or formula). I took the 2 a.m. feed. He took any wake-ups that weren’t hunger-related. Clear assignments. No negotiation at 3 a.m. No “but I have work tomorrow” (you both have work tomorrow, one of you just isn’t getting paid for it). “BuT yOu AlReAdY aRe GeTtInG uP tO pUmP!”

Yeah babes, and you can take that fresh milk right on over to the kid you had a 50% stake in creating and feed him so my sore AF boobs can get squeezed by one lest human being in this house. Good lord. Anyways…

The schedule worked because it was predictable. We both knew when we could sleep uninterrupted and when we were on duty. No guessing. No hoping the other person would wake up.

But What If I’m Breastfeeding?

Then your partner handles everything that is not the breast. They bring the baby to you. They do the diaper. They do the burping. They put the baby back. You feed and go back to sleep immediately.

Or, you pump a bottle for one feed so your partner can take an entire shift while you sleep a solid four to five hours. That single stretch will save your sanity more than any supplement or meditation app ever could.

Sleep Training Requires Two Adults On the Same Page

If only one of you is committed to the method, it won’t work. If one parent caves at every cry while the other is trying to hold the line, you’re sending mixed signals and your baby will learn to exploit exactly that.

Have the conversation before you start. Agree on the plan. Print it out and stick it on the fridge if you have to. Because 2 a.m. is not the time for a philosophical debate about attachment theory.

Mom Awakened includes a partner prep section: how to get buy-in, split duties fairly, and stay united when sleep deprivation is trying to start a war between you. Coming soon.

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Clara Harper has been married long enough to know that “I didn’t hear the baby” is never an accident. She split night duties with her husband from week one (second baby, learned her lesson). Author of Mom Interrupted, accidental relationship counselor. TikTok for the rest.

Need a book that teaches kids about teamwork and doing their part? Diversity Is Our Strength shows children that everyone brings something different to the table.