Hi everyone. Can I just say something? Even though I work for an automobile company, long road trips with small children are not my jam. I like living in Germany, where it is totally normal to ride your bike or hop on a train instead of spending ten hours in a car with sweaty kids and crumbled granola bars. The Deutsche Bahn may be late sometimes, but at least no one is peeing in a car seat or throwing Goldfish crackers onto the floor of my car.
Meanwhile, my friend in Michigan just finished driving across the country to Florida for her son’s college graduation. Sounds normal, right? I am still reeling from my own attempt to drive from Munich to Barcelona last summer with the kids. I almost swore off road trips for the rest of time so when I heard from my friend about what can only be described as a modern comedy of errors, I simply had to share it with all of you.
Setting the scene: one vehicle, now add: two elementary-aged kids, a four-year-old grandson, and a dog roughly the size of a small pony. Her husband is driving. She is in a walking boot. Their destination is a rental house that did not look like the pictures. This trip had the makings of a parenting thriller.
The Dream Team, More or Less
Originally, the trip roster included:
- My friend
- Her husband
- Their 8 and 9 year-old kids
- Her 4 year-old grandson
- Her 22 year-old niece
- Plus Phoebe the dog (very fluffy, very large)
They were meeting more family in Florida, including her daughter, son-in-law, and in-laws. Her daughter-in-law and baby grandson were also supposed to come, but plans changed. The niece accepted a job, the daughter-in-law could not get the time off, and the baby stayed home. So they ended up with five people and a dog. What could possibly go wrong?
Cue the Chaos
Four days before departure, my friend injured her foot. Sprained, strained, maybe even broken. She packed anyway. Kids, grandchild, snacks, luggage, and Phoebe all got loaded into the car and the rooftop cargo carrier. Everyone was already grumpy, including the dog, who was used to short rides and probably questioning her life choices.
They stopped every two hours. Someone always needed to pee. Sometimes it was a kid. Sometimes it was the dog. Sometimes it was the car. A drive that Waze claimed would take 15 hours somehow stretched into 23. There were juice spills, melted crayons, and the undeniable scent of sweat laced with defeat.
Welcome to Florida, Sort Of
They finally arrived at the vacation rental, which was nothing like the photos. The neighborhood felt sketchy, the inside was not clean, and it was over 90 degrees and humid. Her husband looked for a backup house. While he did that, my friend let the kids jump in the pool. Then she stripped down to her underpants and jumped in too.
Honestly, she earned it.
Eventually, they found a cleaner, safer rental nearby. The graduation was beautiful but sweaty. Her son beamed. Graduates jumped off a pier into the ocean, and it was as sweet and cinematic as it sounds.
The Ride Back Deserved a Documentary
They drove home in two cars. My friend wisely chose to ride with her newly graduated son, leaving her husband with the younger kids and Phoebe.
Somewhere along the way, the cargo carrier fell off the car. They spent a night in a motel that should probably be condemned. The grandson developed a skin rash that is still unexplained. But they made it home. No one was permanently harmed.
Not physically, anyway.
Be Honest…
Would you survive a trip like this? Is this your kind of family vacation? What advice would you give my friend if she ever attempts something like this again? Leave your tips in the comments. She is open to suggestions, and probably a strong cocktail. Here are some other suggestions!
Living in Germany, we are surrounded by 9 different countries, Yes, 9! It isn’t crazy to want to plan a visit to each of these places but maybe it is while I still have a 2-year-old. What do you think? Would you do it?
Love parenting chaos, humor, and normalizing motherhood like it is a spin-off of the show Survivor?
Check out my latest book Shame is My Monster on Amazon. It is a warm and funny picture book about the big feelings kids carry, and how to help them through it with love, patience, and maybe a little dancing in your underpants.
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